For context, please see the introduction for this series: “Wycliffe-Only Movement: a satirical movement”
Apollo Quiboloy recently discovered that the oldest and original English bible — the Wycliffe Bible 1382-1395 — says that God has given to his people “shepherds”, not “pastors”:
Jeremiah ch 3 v 15
And I shall give to you shepherds after mine heart, and they shall feed you with knowing and teaching.
“I have attached the title ‘pastor’ to my name for so so many many years years, decades decades, centuries cen.. uhmm.. just decades. These modern versions of the bible have deceived me.”, he said in an interview. “This might be the reason why I am now forsaken by the elohim I had encountered in Mount Tamayong — because it took me a very very long long datetime to discover the true title to put before my name.”
His agony worsened when he read Jeremiah ch 12 v 10 in another modern bible, the Geneva Bible 1560-1644.
Many pastors have destroyed my vineyard, and trodden my portion under foot: of my pleasant portion they have made a desolate wilderness.
“Ughh, I thought Geneva Switzerland is in neutral grounds, why is it trying to hurt me?”
“I really need to remove that title from my name.”
“This internet thing is really changing this game I have been playing. It’s much harder to fool people these days. From now on I’m going to be truthful to people about things, because who knows what technological innovations will come in the future which exposes untruthfulness in me,” he promised himself.
He added that during his stay in prison, he is going to read the whole of Jeremiah to see what other good things it has to say about his new title: shepherd.
“Shepherd Apollo C. Quiboloy”, he mumbled to himself. “Hmm, that does not sound very authoritative, but if this is the sacrifice I have to offer in exchange for my freedom, so be it.”
“Freeeedommmm”, he shouted. Which caught the attention of Risa Hontiveros standing a few hollowblocks away. She ignored him and went on answering queries from the press.
One reporter asked, “Is this the way they are solving problems in far away places?”
“Yes, of course. I’ve been to many far away places, and they are solving problems this very same way. The Philippines, as an archipelago, has many far away places within our very own borders. Therefore we should be solving problems the same way far away places are solving them.”
[/satire]
